The Cycle Of Arrogance And Disconnection Is A Barrier To Intimacy And Trust.
In my therapy room, I often see how arrogance—manifested through the “one-up” position—shows up in couples. It’s a subtle, yet pervasive dynamic. The person in the “one-up” position behaves as though they are above their partner, in control, superior in some way. But, when we peel back the layers, it becomes clear that this arrogance often hides a deep fear of vulnerability and an overwhelming need to protect the self from feeling inadequate.
Take, for example, a couple I once worked with. Emily sat across from her partner, Richard, with a tense posture and a sharp, dismissive tone. Richard had just shared a moment of frustration—something that had hurt him deeply—and rather than responding with empathy, Emily immediately countered with a lecture, telling him that he was being overly sensitive. “If you just understood things the way I do,” she said, “you wouldn’t have this problem.”
In that moment, Emily wasn’t truly hearing Richard’s pain. She was positioning herself as “one-up”—acting as though she had all the answers and that Richard’s feelings were somehow less valid than hers. But beneath her sharp words, I could sense her fear. Emily had learned over the years to protect herself with this façade of superiority because admitting vulnerability felt too risky. If she lowered her guard, she feared she would be seen as weak, or worse, unlovable.
When we addressed this dynamic in therapy, Emily admitted that she had always been the “strong one” in her family. Her arrogance wasn’t about being superior to Richard, but about avoiding the feelings of powerlessness and fear that surfaced when she allowed herself to be truly seen.
For Richard, the impact was devastating. His attempts to open up to Emily were often met with defensiveness or dismissal, which left him feeling invisible, unheard. In turn, he withdrew emotionally, building his own walls around his vulnerability. This cycle of arrogance and emotional disconnection became a barrier to intimacy and trust.
In therapy, we worked through this, gradually helping Emily recognise that her “one-up” posture was not a sign of strength but a defence against her own fears. We also explored how Richard’s emotional withdrawal, in response, was equally damaging to their relationship. The goal wasn’t to diminish either of them but to help them both learn to step down from the “one-up” position and engage more vulnerably with one another. True strength, I reminded them, is in the willingness to be seen—imperfections and all. This is where real intimacy begins.
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