The Politeness — Authenticity Continuum
People-pleasing is a subtle, often unconscious pattern—a way of living that prioritises others’ comfort over our own. It’s a protective mechanism, born from the need to avoid conflict, to seek approval, or to maintain peace. But it comes at a cost. Over time, the more we suppress our true feelings to please others, the more we lose sight of ourselves. We begin to blur the line between authenticity and politeness, not knowing where we end and the other person begins.
Take, for example, the dilemma of a grandmother whose granddaughter forgets to call. The impulse to stay quiet, to avoid confrontation, may seem like the kind thing to do. But deep down, the absence of that phone call hurts. So, do you keep silent or speak up? Politeness would dictate silence, but authenticity asks for honesty. It’s about finding a way to share your feelings without accusation, but with clarity. “I missed our call” can be an invitation to connection, not a demand for change.
Similarly, when someone gives you a gift that’s not to your taste, you might feel compelled to express gratitude, but at what cost? How do you balance good manners, with speaking your truth? You can thank them genuinely, ‘How lovely, that you took the time and effort to choose this present.’ Yet still, find a way to gently express your preferences in the future, showing them who you truly are.
Living authentically, especially as a people-pleaser, requires courage. It means recognising that your feelings matter too and that being true to yourself doesn’t diminish your love or kindness. It’s a dance, finding the balance between honesty and consideration, authenticity and politeness.
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