Staying on My Side of the Fence
You cannot control what people think about you, but you can control how you show up, so stay on your side of the fence and let your actions speak for themselves.
I once heard someone describe emotional boundaries as fences. Not high, defensive walls designed to keep people out, but simple fences marking where my responsibilities end and yours begin.
It is such a useful image.
On my side of the fence are my actions, my choices, my behaviour, my integrity, my kindness, my honesty. On your side of the fence are your thoughts, your feelings, your opinions, your reactions and your decisions.
Many of us spend a surprising amount of time leaning over the fence.
We worry about whether people like us. We try to manage their reactions. We become preoccupied with what they might be saying when we are not in the room. We imagine conversations, rehearse explanations, and defend ourselves against criticisms that may never come.
The trouble is that once we start living on the other side of the fence, we neglect our own garden.
I was talking recently with someone who is moving into a small community. She had discovered that somebody had already formed an opinion about her and had perhaps shared some negative stories. Before she had even arrived, she was worrying about what people might think.
It is understandable. Most of us want to belong. We want to be welcomed. We want people to see the best of us.
But there is a profound freedom in recognising that other people’s opinions belong on their side of the fence.
I cannot directly control what someone thinks about me.
I cannot force them to like me.
I cannot prevent misunderstandings.
I cannot stop gossip.
What other people think of me is, in a way, none of my business! It’s their prerogative, to make their own decision about me.
What I can do is arrive with goodwill. I can be friendly. I can be reliable. I can contribute. I can act with integrity.
Over time people tend to form their own impressions. They notice who turns up. They notice who keeps their word. They notice kindness and consistency.
When I stay on my side of the fence, I have energy available for the things I can actually influence.
The alternative is exhausting. If I spend my days trying to manage everybody else’s opinions, I become trapped in an unwinnable game. There will always be someone who misunderstands me. There will always be someone who dislikes me. There will always be stories I cannot correct.
Part of maturity is learning to tolerate that.
My task is not to make everyone think well of me.
My task is to be someone I can respect when I look in the mirror.
When I focus on tending my own side of the fence, something surprising happens. Life becomes calmer. Relationships become simpler. I stop chasing approval and start living according to my values.
And that is usually when genuine belonging begins.
Juliet Grayson
June 2026
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