25 When To Walk Away, And When To Stay
I’ve been watching Married at First Sight on Channel 4. I started after a friend died, and I discovered that she used to love it. I’d always dismissed it because of the title, but when I heard that this woman, who had impeccable taste, was a fan, I decided to give it a try. And I have to admit, I’m hooked. I’m on series six of the Australian version. In episode nineteen, about sixteen minutes in, one participant starts to physically attack another. And it got me thinking about conflict.
What I’ve observed, both in life and in therapy, is that it’s not always worth having the argument. Before diving in, it helps to pause and ask yourself, Is this person mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective? Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.
Not every conversation is worth having. There are moments when I can feel myself gearing up to explain, to justify, to make sense of something that feels so clear to me, and yet the other person isn’t really listening. They’re waiting for their turn to speak. Their mind is already made up.
In those moments, engaging feels like pouring water onto stone. It takes energy, care, and presence, and none of it seems to soak in. They’re not hearing me, I’ll think, and underneath that, perhaps they can’t. We all have times when we’re too defended, too frightened, too wound up, or too proud to take in another viewpoint.
I used to believe that if I just found the right words, I could make someone understand. But maturity, I’ve discovered, isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about recognising when one isn’t worth having. It’s about valuing my own peace more than the need to prove a point. Sometimes, walking away is the wiser act. Not out of indifference, but out of love, for myself, and for the futility of forcing growth before someone is ready.
Yet, I remind myself too: Silence is not always strength. There are times when speaking up matters, even when it’s uncomfortable. As Rumi wrote, Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
Because sometimes, the argument is the growing edge. It’s the place where something alive is trying to emerge between two people. When there’s mutual respect, when both are willing to listen, not just to reply but to understand, then disagreement can become a doorway. It can deepen connection, sharpen clarity, even heal something that has been unspoken.
James Baldwin once said, Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. That, to me, is the heart of it. Avoiding every argument may keep the peace, but it can also keep us stuck. Some truths need to be spoken, even if they tremble as they come out. Some tensions need to be felt, so that understanding can unfold.
The art lies in discernment: knowing when silence protects peace, and when it merely hides fear. Knowing when to walk away, and when to stay present in the fire long enough for both hearts to soften.
Juliet Grayson
To give feedback click here https://bit.ly/julietmuses
If you are a therapist, counsellor or health worker, interested in thinking more about conflict, and you are a therapist, you might want to attend the Couples in Conflict module of the Certificate in Working with Couples.
www.therapyandcounselling.co.uk
If you’re a therapist and watching this you might be interested in my six modular workshops on how to work with couples. Go to www.therapyandcounselling.co.uk and look either at the calendar or look at the course for therapists: Certificate in Working with Couples.
Juliet enjoys hearing comments about how these talks impact people – both positive and negative. If you have time, please let her know your thoughts
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScMcMLPGU2WY1sUZJKF7l_BBEi0h5EkRD5lCOn3xpLvvdKnBw/viewform
To sign up for more of these – and info about CPD workshops – https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/sign-up-for-info/
If you are a therapist, to join an email support group for therapists in the UK where you can ask questions, find out about CPD, and get referrals, go to https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/counsellor-network-groups-uk/
You’ll find more Juliet’s Musings on https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/juliets-thoughts-for-the-day/.