THE BOUNDARIES SERIES: TALK THREE
When Nothing Gets In
Walls, Withdrawal, and the Fear of Being Taken Over
Not all boundary problems look emotional. Some look calm, capable, and contained. These are the people others describe as “so together”, or “low maintenance”, or “never a bother”. Underneath, there is often a very different story.
A walled-off orange has very thick skin. Nothing gets in. Other people’s feelings, needs, and bids for connection are kept at a safe distance. This is not cruelty and it is not indifference. It is protection.
Walls usually form where boundaries were not respected. Perhaps there was a parent who was intrusive, invasive, or emotionally engulfing. Perhaps there was chaos, drama, or addiction, and you survived by keeping your inner world private. You learned that needing was risky, that showing vulnerability invited control or ridicule. So you stopped needing, at least on the surface.
From the outside, this can look like withdrawal, intellectualising, or emotional absence. A partner might say, “I never really know what you feel,” or, “I can’t get close to you.” Inside, the walled-off person often feels misunderstood. They may think, “I’m just not emotional,” or, “If I actually showed you what I feel, it would be too much.” The wall feels like safety.
The difficulty is that walls do not discriminate. They keep out nourishment as well as danger. Appreciation, care, concern, and love hit the same hard surface as criticism or control. Over time, this can lead to flatness, low-level depression, or a quiet sense of being alone even when you are with people.
Walls do not soften through pressure. Asking someone to “open up” or “share more” often makes the wall thicker. To the nervous system, that sounds like: make yourself unsafe.
Boundary repair here is not about exposure. It is about replacing walls with boundaries. Learning, slowly, that you can stay present without being overtaken. That you can feel without surrendering your autonomy. This happens in small doses: sharing a little more than usual with someone who has shown themselves to be safe, noticing that you survive the experience, and repeating.
When the wall softens into skin, something remarkable happens. The person does not lose themselves. They gain contact. Intimacy becomes something to choose, not something to fear. Boundaries are not the enemy of closeness. Walls are. The work is to honour why the wall was needed, and then gently grow a more living, breathing way of being at the edge of yourself.
Juliet Grayson
March 2026
Click here to give feedback, which Juliet loves to receive: https://bit.ly/julietmuses
See the list of Pesso Events that Juliet is leading: https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/pesso-events/
If you are a therapist, counsellor or health worker, and interested in thinking more about conflict, and you are a therapist, you might want to attend the Couples in Conflict module of the Certificate in Working with Couples.
www.therapyandcounselling.co.uk
If you’re a therapist and watching this you might be interested in my six modular workshops on how to work with couples. Go to www.therapyandcounselling.co.uk and look either at the calendar or look at the course for therapists: Certificate in Working with Couples.
Juliet enjoys hearing comments about how these talks impact people – both positive and negative. If you have time, please let her know your thoughts
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScMcMLPGU2WY1sUZJKF7l_BBEi0h5EkRD5lCOn3xpLvvdKnBw/viewform
To sign up for more of these – and info about CPD workshops – https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/sign-up-for-info/
If you are a therapist, to join an email support group for therapists in the UK where you can ask questions, find out about CPD, and get referrals, go to https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/counsellor-network-groups-uk/
You’ll find more Juliet’s Musings on https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/juliets-thoughts-for-the-day/.