If I Am Going to Lead, I Have to Be Willing Not to Be Liked
Leadership begins when you are willing to disappoint people in service of your values rather than betray your values in order to be liked.
There was a time in my life when I wanted everybody to like me.
I wanted people to approve of my decisions. I wanted them to understand my motives. I wanted them to think well of me.
The trouble is that these desires can quietly become a trap.
The moment we need everybody’s approval, we stop leading and start managing people’s reactions.
Leadership, whether in a family, a friendship group, a workplace, a therapy room, or a community, sometimes requires us to make decisions that others will not welcome.
We may need to say no.
We may need to set a boundary.
We may need to challenge behaviour that is causing harm.
We may need to make a decision that benefits the whole group rather than a particular individual.
And whenever we do that, there is a possibility that somebody will not like it.
In fact, somebody may not like us.
This can be particularly difficult for people who have spent much of their lives being accommodating. Many of us learned early that being liked felt safer than being disliked. We learned to smooth things over, keep the peace, and avoid conflict.
But there is a difference between kindness and people-pleasing.
Kindness asks, “What is the caring thing to do?”
People-pleasing asks, “How can I stop anybody being upset with me?”
Those are not the same question.
I have seen many leaders become exhausted because they were trying to keep everybody happy. It is an impossible task. In any group there will be competing needs, competing opinions, and competing interests.
No matter what decision you make, somebody may disagree.
The challenge is to ask yourself: Am I trying to do the right thing, or am I trying to be liked?
Because often you cannot do both.
The leaders I respect most are not those who are universally admired. They are the people who act with integrity. They listen carefully. They consider different perspectives. They admit mistakes. But they are still willing to make difficult decisions when necessary.
They understand that temporary disapproval is sometimes the price of leadership.
Of course, none of this gives us permission to become arrogant or dismissive. Feedback matters. Humility matters. Relationships matter.
But leadership requires something that people-pleasing cannot provide.
It requires courage.
The courage to stand by a thoughtful decision.
The courage to tolerate misunderstanding.
The courage to allow others to disagree.
And perhaps most importantly, the courage to remain connected to yourself even when somebody else is disappointed.
If I am going to lead, I have to be willing not to be liked.
Not because I enjoy conflict.
Not because I do not care about people.
But because my responsibility is not to secure universal approval.
My responsibility is to act with integrity, to serve the wider good as best I can, and to trust that being respected is ultimately more important than being liked.
Juliet Grayson
June 2026
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